Actually, I have a confession to make.
About twenty five years ago, I landed on this planet as a young child, sent as the only hope of a dying planet- planet Slapton. My father, Jor-Ma, knew that the only way the legacy of Slapton could carry on would be to send me away, wrapped in swaddling clothes, and with only a baseball bat clutched between my tiny Slaptonite hands.
I grew up, trying desperately to be a normal boy, living with the Rodriguez family, attending high school like any other boy. All was well- I was the All-American child, and my adoptive parents were so happy they'd found me in the ruins of a purse factory and brought me home to raise. I dated Lana Longball all through high school- it was she who first discovered my true nature- an alien being from Slapton.
Fortunately for me, Lana also discovered my one weakness- the dreaded mineral compound known only as E5. With Lana Longball's help, I learned how to fight E5 with the only known antidote- blue raspberry chapstick.
I stand before you now a man unleashed. Yes, it is I, SlapMan.
Just, y'know. Try not to tell anyone, least of all my nemesis, BronLex Aroythor. I trust y'all.